


What May Have Been

by tobeconspicuous



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Gen, Mentions of Caleb, Mentions of Mickey - Freeform, Mentions of Trevor, Miscarriage, Shameless Reverse Bang, warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-26
Updated: 2017-01-26
Packaged: 2018-09-19 23:23:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9465080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tobeconspicuous/pseuds/tobeconspicuous
Summary: The instructions said to wait three minutes, but for you it only took seconds. Two pink lines appeared as clear as day.You used another, same result. And then another.A definite positive.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning for Miscarriage on this one.
> 
> Many thanks to Crimsonswirls, her art was a huge inspiration to me.
> 
> Also to fuck-me-for-giving-a-shit for finding what the woman Ian slept with looked like.
> 
> This fic is very personal, based off my own personal experiences, and i hope those who read it truly enjoy it.
> 
> It is also my first attempt at second person, it is unbeata'd and I am Australian so any mistakes are my own.

Your mother raised you to be a good girl, always polite, clean, modestly dressed. She would tell you that you were not like the other girls with their loose clothes and looser morals. No, you were a good girl. You were always home on time, you did not go out with boys and your grades were perfect. You graduated with decent grades and had begun to study to be a nurse, you made her so proud.

So of course when you moved out of home you started trying new things, experimenting with new looks.

With college came a new outlook on life, you still studied hard, had decent grades. But you started to make different friends, went to parties and fooled around with boys. You never felt quite as confident as you wanted to. So you dressed yourself in a certain way, became the person others assumed you were. Your hair was bigger, your eyes wilder, your smile wider. Every day you pushed yourself to be someone desirable, someone who deserved to be loved.

Of course when you graduated and started working you didn't have time to party any more. You worked odd hours at the hospital and made alright money, you loved the work though, you loved helping people. Occasionally you would meet up with your old friends and dress like you used to still never quite feeling like yourself. But it was nice to feel young and without responsibilities, but you would go home wishing there was something more or someone more.

Then one day after meeting some friends a tall red head showed you some attention on the train ride home and you fell into bed with him. One of the worst mistakes either of you made by his own reaction. You tried not to take it personally, but no matter how many times it happens every rejection makes you die a little inside. When will you be more than a one night stand.

You pushed the negative thoughts to the back of your mind and fell back into your normal routine. Work, home, sleep. Occasionally your mother called to check up on you and tried to set you up with one of the nice boys from the neighbourhood. You politely decline, you're not nearly desperate enough to be set up by your own mother, yet.

Time continued to pass until you began feeling nauseous throughout the day. You didn't really think on it for too long until you threw up unexpectedly in the middle of the day, whilst at work. The same thing occurred the next day, and the day after that, and of course the day after that. Two weeks of pitiful looks from colleagues and harsh whispers behind your back made you make your way to a pharmacy round the corner to purchase a pregnancy test.

When you arrived home you ripped open the packet and practically sprinted to the bathroom. You never felt more nervous that when you pee'd on that little white stick. The instructions said to wait three minutes, but for you it only took seconds. Two pink lines appeared as clear as day.

You used another, same result. And then another.

A definite positive.

As you sat there holding three positive tests you started to shake, a small sob escaped your throat. You got knocked up by some random guy on the train, what would your mother think?

\--

You never thought you’d see him again, but after days of spending your sick leave riding the train back and forth you ran into him again. He was wearing an EMT uniform, he may have even visited the hospital you worked at on occasion. He pretended to not know who you were, after minutes of pleading to just talk he tried to walk away. You told him you were pregnant, that it was his, he didn't believe you of course. You didn't blame him, you knew the statistics, the chances were so small. But you insisted, you showed him photo's of the positive tests.

He told you he was gay.

You told him you knew.

It was a lie, you only kind of hopes that may have been the reason why he reacted to you so badly.

You got off the train together and found a cafe. He had a coffee, you had a hot chocolate. You quietly talk about what to do, you decide to see a doctor and go from there. You quickly finished your drinks and swapped phone numbers.

You promised to let him know how it goes.

Even though he didn't look to enthused you decided you didn't care, you wanted to keep it.

\--

Your bloods come back positive, you are referred to an obstetrician.

He doesn't sound happy.

He doesn't sound unhappy either.

You tell him he doesn't have to come, that he can be uninvolved. He tells you he wants to come, he would be a father to the child, he would not let it be neglected. His comment stung, he apologises and tries to explain away his own experiences with absent parents. It doesn't make the comment hurt any less.

You tell him the time and date of the appointment and hang up the phone. Your relationship is clearly off to a great start.

\--

The office was cold and clinical, just what you would expect from a Doctor’s workspace. You sit there waiting patiently for someone to come in the room and introduce themselves, to rescue you. One red headed almost stranger is pacing beside you looking more than stressed, petrified maybe. Today you found out his name is Ian Gallagher.

The obstetrician walks in and introduces herself. She is warm and friendly, she makes you feel safe. She discusses with you both what would be happening today, ensuring you both agree before she proceeds. Soon she noisily squirts some cold jelly on your stomach then presses the ultrasound tool onto your belly.

‘Look,’ Her smile is wide. ‘It’s a baby.’

You look at the television on the wall opposite, there was certainly a something. The image was grainy and purple in colour, not black and white as you had always thought an ultrasound looked like. The image was of a small thing, not quite baby shaped but definitely human like.

Ian is fascinated by the image on the television, so are you. You can't believe that thing is inside you, slowly growing into an actual being. You didn't mean to voice your thoughts.

The Obstetrician laughs and declares you to be just over twelve weeks. Two days over in fact.

Ian looks at you, he counts the weeks and the days, he knows it is his. He smiles a small smile at you, you grin back unable to hold in your joy. You can feel tears prickling at the corner of your eyes, everything feels so much more real now.

The obstetrician says they'll take some pictures and some bloods and let you know the results in a few days. The two of you sit there in awe as the doctor shows you your baby's nose, arms, legs, and eventually baby's heart. Your heart leaps as your baby appears to bounce on the screen jumping for you. She asks if you want to listen to the heartbeat, you both eagerly say yes.

It is beautiful.

\--

‘So….?’ You begin to ask as you leave the doctor's office. ‘Wh-what do we do now?’

‘It’s up to you,’ Ian says hesitantly. ‘But I would like to keep the baby.’

‘Thank god,’ you smile at him. 'I was so scared you wouldn't want to do this with me.'

'Me too,' He smiles back. 'I wasn't sure until I heard the heartbeat, and then I knew. I can't wait to meet our baby.'

'Holy shit,' You laugh. 'We're having a baby.'

You and Ian connect over the next few days, trading texts and making phone calls. You talk about growing up in South side, shitty parents and your dreams. He tells you about his ex boyfriends and his new relationship with a trans male, and how much he likes him, but how unsure he is about him. You tell him if he likes the guy to go for it, and he clearly does.

You tell him about your lack of boyfriends and your overbearing mother. You spend numerous hours working out how you were going to raise this child together. Quickly Ian becomes the second most important person in your life.

Your baby will always be the first.

\--

‘Thanks for coming back at such short notice,’ the obstetrician's smile is tight, professional.

‘No problem,’ your voice trembles slightly. Nearly a week and a half later you were back at the office. This time Ian is holding your hand tightly rather than pacing the room. 'Is anything wrong?'

'The scan with your results came back with a high chance of trisomy 13,' the obstetrician was solemn. 'I just want to have another look.'

Ian gives your hand a squeeze as she once again coats your stomach in the gold gel and presses the wand down. You both look at the screen on the wall, the image is grainier than last time, you can't make out anything.

'Okay,' she begins, locating baby. 'I can't quite see baby, can you empty your bladder and we'll try again.'

As she directs you to the bathroom your heart begins to pound. You felt nauseous this morning, just like usual, everything should be okay. But the sinking feeling in your stomach says that everything is not okay.

All too quickly you are back on the bed, with the jelly being smeared across your belly. Baby appears easily the second time round, but the obstetrician seems unsure, you can't see baby wiggling the way it did a week ago.

'I'm going to try and find the heartbeat,' The obstetrician tells you. When you hear a whoosh your heart begins to lift, but there's no familiar chugging sound, she shakes her head. 'That's you dear. I need you to get changed, we'll have to do a trans-vaginal scan and see if we can pick anything up.'

So once more you end up in the bathroom, stripping out of your own clothes and putting on a gown. Your legs are like jelly, wobbling terribly as you make your way back to the room and up on the bed. Ian has grabbed your hand and is rubbing small circles into the back of it. Soon the obstetrician is carefully inserting the wand into your vagina and again locates your baby. You see baby move slightly, your heart doesn't race though, everything feels numb.

'That's not movement,' she quietly states as you see your baby move again. 'That's the wand, when I make movements it makes everything jump.' She once again tries for a heartbeat and finds nothing. 'I am so very sorry, it looks like your baby stopped growing just after I saw you last.'

'Are you sure?' Ian asked, his voice trembling

'We can check again in a few days,' the obstetrician frowned. 'But I am certain.'

You literally wail, the surprisingly loud noise erupts from your chest. Ian quickly gathers you in his arms and holds you against him. As the two of your mourn your loss the obstetrician goes through the options with you.

You can wait until you pass the products of conception naturally.

You can go to hospital, be given medicine and pass the products of conception overnight.

Or you can have a dilatation and cutterage, a D&C.

Your baby is no longer a baby, just a “product of conception”, just medical waste.

You choose the abortion.

\--

You have had a silent or missed miscarriage, incredibly rare, frustratingly common.

Your heart is broken.

\--

You would have had a boy. The pathologists found nothing wrong.

You are told this several weeks later.

You have no reason.

It just wasn’t meant to be.

That evening Ian holds you as you sob into his chest, his boyfriend looks at you in disgust. He makes you feel as though your are a horrible person, intruding on their time. Ian tells him to go, the two of you spend the next few days chilling on the couch and watching trashy television, talking about your little boy and what he would have been like. You are so glad Ian understands, that he gets it.

He is truly your best friend.

\--

Ian disappears for several days.

He texts you to let you know he is fine, that he just needed a few days away.

You hope he is okay.

\--

Ian randomly appears at your door one evening, he looks wrecked. You welcome him inside and hug him as he sobs against you, his mother passed away, he broke up with his boyfriend and left his ex for a second time.

‘We can always try again,’ Ian murmurs into your hair hours later.

‘R-really?’ You stutter out. ‘You’d really want to do that with me?’

'I'd love to have a baby with you,' Ian smiles softly. 'You're my best friend.'

'You're mine too,' you smile fondly. 'But maybe we'll wait a few years until we are older?'

'Definitely.'

* * *

 

**Around Five Years Later (Give or Take)**

 

It began with the crackling sounds of static followed by a low wail. You both sit silently, hoping that the noise would cease and eventually the apartment would become silent again. As the wail became louder and higher in pitch you both knew tonight would be a bad one.

You watch as Ian puts down the book he was reading and went to collect your daughter from her room. He has always been helpful like that. You make yourself comfortable and soon enough he appears with your daughter held against his hip. She's almost the spitting image of her father, red hair with pale skin. She has your eyes though, and hopefully your nose. Ian is an incredibly handsome man and as happy as you are she has most of his features you are secretly happy she is not a hundred percent Gallagher.

The phone rings causing the three of you to jump.

'That'll be your boyfriend,' You smile up at the tall red head. 'Pass her to me.'

As Ian moves towards you, your daughters plump arms reach out for you a huge grin on her face. Carefully Ian deposits her in your lap before rushing to grab the phone.

'Hello?' His voice is breathless at first before sounding significantly happier. 'About time you rang.' His laughter was bright. 'My two favourite girls are snuggling together on the couch. Yeah yeah, I'll send you photo's soon.'

Ian carefully shut the door behind him, muffling his conversation and effectively ending your eves dropping. Ian had been in a relationship for a while now and you were getting curious. You had spoken to the man over the phone, but never had actually met him. Occasionally he would leave the two of you alone to visit and on his return there was always a toy for your daughter and chocolate for you.

'Hello there my beautiful girl,' You coo at her. 'You are getting so big.' She had just turned one, the time seemed to fly by. 'When did you get so big?' It only felt like yesterday you and Ian were in the clinic, the obstetrician declaring you pregnant.

The first trimester was the hardest, you were so worried you were going to lose this baby as well. But she stayed, as stubborn and determined as her parents, she grew big and strong. You felt her kick at 19 weeks, soft little flicks against your lower abdomen. The kicks grew stronger and stronger until one day Ian could feel them as well. The first time he felt your daughter he was so happy, he felt hours with his hands on your swollen stomach waiting for a repeat performance, always so happy when she obliged. And then suddenly she was there in your arms. Ian smiling down at you, and his large family cooing over the miracle the two of you had made.

Even your mother was happy, maybe not at the fact you were having a baby out of wedlock and with a homosexual man. But the first time she held her granddaughter she had a smile stretched across her face and tears welled in her eyes. She told you she was perfect.

'She is growing up so fast,' Ian murmured, walking back into the room. 'Will you both be okay if I leave town in a month for a few days?'

'Of course,' You grin at Ian. 'Whatever you need.'

'Thanks,' Ian's smile was as breathtaking as normal.

'Da,' your daughter cooed, her attention drawn to him. 'Dadadadadada.'

'I think she wants her daddy,' you smile at him.

'I'll be done in a moment,' he nods before retreating back into the kitchen. 'Yeah, I'll be down next month. I know... I miss you too. Can't wait to see you. Maybe you could come and visit us soon? I know-But-Okay then. I'll talk to you later.'

'Dadada,' your daughter coos as her father walks back into the lounge. 'Da.'

'Come here,' he sighs at her as he bends to pick her up. 'You're going to be a good girl and fall asleep again for me?'

'Da.'

'You don't sound so sure,' He chuckles at her. 'Shhhhh, come on.'

'Trouble in paradise?' You ask him.

'No,' Ian shakes his head. 'He's just busy and he can't make it to Chicago at the moment.'

'We could always visit him,' You press. 'Just the three of us.'

'He would like that,' Ian grinned. 'But I want to wait until she's a bit older.'

'You don't need to be so protective,' You chuckle. 'But I get it, she's precious.'

'You both are,' He smiles. 'Now lets get this little one back to sleep.'

You watch as Ian sat on the recliner, your daughter snuggled into his chest. He looks at you, a gentle smile across his tired face. He then picks up his book and begins to read. You smile back at him and let yourself gently drift to sleep.

Life is good.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.
> 
> If anyone wants to have a chat to me about any of the subject matter in this fic I am under tobeconspicuous on tumblr. or just send an email.
> 
> Kudos and Reviews are very welcome.


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